wrestling / Columns
Smart Marks 5.25.13: Quick Breaks
Another week, another column.
Got a decent response last week for a guy with a Saturday column, so that felt pretty good. And to PJ, who wanted to know what the point was, besides venting, and whatnot… that was called an “introduction” column. I was letting you know how I think, and how I expect things to go with this column. I hope it wasn’t too difficult.
Or maybe I just answered a rhetorical question that answered itself from a smartass. Who knows?
Onward and upward!
This is one of the single most tired subjects going. I’m sorry for adding to it.
Regardless, there’s a guy out there who has basically done it all. He’s had great matches, been in great stables, been there for important moments in history. A former Tag Team, European, Intercontinental, World and WWE Champion, and a surefire Hall of Famer. His list of achievements speak for themselves.
And yet, we’d still like to put an asterisk next to most of them. And he knows it.
And that’s why we get to watch him put a man down for minutes on end with a slap. And why he can dominate former UFC champions. And why the only thing that can really beat him, is his own dang stubbornness and inability to realize when enough is enough. Because he’s such a badass.
I used to have a joke anytime we got a total Triple H wank session- like when he got to take out Londrick, for instance- that this segment came to life while he laid in bed and, like any lover who wants something, would rub his foot against his wife’s leg, and with a simple “Steeeeeeph…?” we were on our way to another 10-25 minute segment that would let us know, in case we forgot, that Triple H is the baddest badass of all badasses.
I’m sure it sucks that most people say you’re not Stone Cold, you’re not The Rock, you’re not the Undertaker, or Foley, or Michaels. I’m sure that’s annoying. And I’m sure it sucks that a lot of people still give you flak for being married to the boss’ daughter. Yes, that must be annoying, too.
But how insecure can one man be? Triple H is one of the single most infuriating people ever involved with wrestling because his brain is in the right place most of the time. Maybe the execution on his good ideas (bring in Awesome Kong, revive the tag division) has been lacking, but the ideas themselves have been good. However, when it comes to HIS character, the man who thought up the plan to force Bret Hart to “do what’s right for business” has never been able to have that same conviction for himself.
Honestly, I’m butthurt because when Curtis Axel came out, and Trips punked him, I actually thought he was going to put Axel over pretty huge in their match. Maybe no win for Axel, but he’d come out looking good. Instead, they wrestled a boring match (not unlike that time he tried to bury Kozlov), and then when he just couldn’t go anymore, Axel and Heyman, two guys bent on destroying him, simply disappeared.
Dude. Your legacy is set. Instead of swinging your junk around all the time, why not try showing some ass instead. The insecurity is very unbecoming of such a hulking badass.
I’ll just come out and say it. Some people should never, ever be heels, in my opinion. Rob Van Dam is one such person. I have a feeling Kofi Kingston wouldn’t work so well as a heel, either.
You know who else should never try it out?
AJ Styles.
AJ Styles isn’t intimidating. He’s not a tough guy. He’s not a roughneck. He’s a guy who flips and flops all over the ring, wowing you with his amazing ability and agility. At no point does the average wrestling fan watch an AJ Styles match and think, “man, I wouldn’t want to get on that guy’s bad side, he’d mess me up.”
Yet, every so often, TNA gives it a shot. And outside of that time where he was more of an annoying twit, a diluted version of a guy that’d hang with Edge and Christian, it’s basically failed every time.
This last attempt, however, has just been maddening. He seems completely out of his element. He wants to be tough. But, you know, he’s not. At least, not in a “dude who beats the crap out of people” way. He’s tough because he can take a beating and keep going. He’s got heart. But this emo biker nonsense? It’s horrible.
I’m not anti-TNA. However, they do have a ton of garbage that I just don’t understand the motive for. AJ Styles: Super Angry Guy is one such example.
And no, I’m not going to “wait and see what happens” before I complain. If it ends great, I’ll give it props. As long as it’s ridiculous, I’m going to point that out. But the whole “wait it out” nonsense is a different mark for a different time.
If you want to guarantee that I won’t watch a pay per view, there are two matches you can make your Main Event- the Stretcher Match, and the Ambulance Match. I have a feeling I’m not alone in this thought.
So, imagine how stoked I was to see Ryback challenge John Cena to an Ambulance Match for the upcoming Payback event.
Make no mistake, the only reason we’re getting this match is so we can have ANOTHER Cena/Ryback match that doesn’t end with someone being pinned or made to submit. And more likely, one that ends with some ridiculous shenanigans along the way.
Would a simple Street Fight be too much to ask? In street gear? Like what Ryback’s been wearing for his interviews? Why would anyone say “to prove I’m better than you, I’m going to put you in the back of an ambulance rather anticlimactically, and that will be it!”
I feel like Ryback and Cena could have quite the series of matches, similar to the Cena/Batista series. However, much like Batista and Cena got saddled with Last Man Standing matches that ended with duct tape, these two are saddled with Ambulance Matches.
Hopefully, we get a finish. A real finish. No matter who wins.
And maybe afterwards, they’ll figure out that this Antonio Cesaro guy could possibly be a fun feud for Mr. Cena, too.
That just about does it for the week. Apologies for the brevity, but I’m sure that some how, some way… we’ll all survive. Enjoy your puro, enjoy your lucha, enjoy your indies, and enjoy your Big 2.
It’s All Wrestling. It’s All Stupid. We All Love It.
